with every passing season (especially the cold ones), I begin to dread the transition. I find myself holding on to the past one while I witness nature move in constant motion. It’s a must, and it’s not surprising. It is us who gets surprised by it. That’s the thing we humans do; we want to have full knowledge of tomorrow while living in today. We want to feel a sense of knowing. But what would we do if you were told that time is now? I talked about that in a video.
It is funny how six years after moving to Belgium, I’m only beginning to see the world around me with new eyes. It feels like borrowing eyes from my child to see, with curiosity. Asking. Learning. Openness. Wild. I’m only starting to come out again.
It’s never too late to begin.
Autumn has fully emerged (nearly taking its leave), and I find myself still dwelling on summer memories, asking what should have been done that wasn’t. Wishing for more sunshine and holding onto summer remains I find in nature. Six Autumns later, and I’m learning to accept that not only will the trees shed their crinkled leaves and wither in the following months, leaving us with blackened buds, but I would also be needing the warmth of old. Like tradition, this nostalgic feeling of every October- November that flash before me, reminding me of the big change I made when I packed my suitcase and arrived in Europe. Lost. Confused. Unsure of how to navigate the future from there. Yet, it feels good to be reminded of how far I have come and evolved as an individual. As a writer, life partner, mother and as Happyblacky—the alter ego I created when this blog started. I still adore her.
Six winters later, and I’m only learning to step out even in the cold. It’s the only way to seek and find daily treasures in nature. To commit to this simple and slow life I now love.
Six summers later, and I realise that if I don’t step out and ride that bicycle, turn my face to the sun and bask in her glory, it will pass, and I’ll be needing her again.
Six springs later, and I’m only acknowledging that the drought will pass and the life will return to those branches. It’s only a matter of time. Time.
As I dragged myself out for a walk this cold morning— got lost in woods, felt the wind on my face, watched the cows feed, listened to birdsongs, piked dying leaves, danced alone in the lonely path— It felt like I had gained the time I thought I lost those years, searching. It may seem like doing the same thing and running life in circles. Maybe it is. But each day comes with its miracle, and to embrace it is to witness it fully. Aligning. Grounding. To feel Joy again.
I enjoyed my time this morning. I realised that although six years may have passed, I’m only returning. Perhaps, I’ll return six years later. Lol. Like writing this post after struggling with sharing because it felt like nothing changed. I remind myself that a lot has. I may not see the changes, but I’m going to keep enjoying archiving bits of my life in this space for anyone who finds it and needs it.