First I was born into a society that made me aware of gender. One that places hormones before ability: because one gender is assumed weaker, and the other stronger. One that taught me shame but also taught me strength. I later found myself in a society that made me more aware of colour. Which made me realize whom I thought I was then- “An ordinary woman-of colour.”
I used to dream of running away to a place where I’d fit in. I desperately wanted to be seen behind the frames of a television. Anything that’ll lead me to the limelight just to deem myself worthy. To be seen or heard, I thought I had to become a very important person, and in order to become that, I started to search for that woman in other people. I attached myself with things and people I thought would validate me; after all what did I know about self worth? But the more I rubbed off other people’s personalities on myself, the more I gathered layers upon layers of an unrecognisable version of me.
Later on I heard about self-love and decided to try it. It simply failed. I mean, what was there to love when I didn’t know who I was. Ah! And there I was unable to love myself, someone was telling me about a God that loves me just the way I was. But I tried it, and slowly gave in, simply because I was curious to know what was it about me to love.It is in that journey of self-discovery, I learned the possibility of having more than one identity that we all at some point struggle to wiggle in order to fit into society.
You see, society demands a lot from us, and allow those worthy of it to live freely. Society prescribes how you should be instead of who you are. It evolves, yet leaving us not to dream of evolving. It taught me to shrink into the molecule people like me should be. And as a woman, what role did I have to play in it? Oh, I forgot to add ‘a woman of colour’; what could I say when only “the angry ones” speak. Who needed one more tag? Of course I didn’t want to be tagged angry.
As I grow and evolve, I am learning to understand that One’s true identity forms as he/she grows, whether by status, looks, culture, background or faith, it evolves, and that’s okay. That most of our insecurities are as a result of labels we choose to accept. I learned that society doesn’t have a name or a conscience; hence it is only a perception of a bunch (including me). And now I know that there is noting as liberating as being YOU. And so I am learning to embrace Womanhood, my unique complexity, my colour, my flaws, my drama, and a whole lot more; because all of these qualities is what shapes me into the woman I am becoming-A HAPPY human, before black, before woman.
Thanks for stopping by! With loads of Love, Happyblacky Xoxo