This year was a blur. I mean there were times when the lens of life stayed focused, a few clear moments, but mostly blurry. It felt like living a season two of the previous year I didn’t audition for. One minute, we’re grasping freedom, the next, you realise that it is only a thing of perspective. I’m grateful for those sharp moments, however fleeting. I felt the shift that could only come from sitting with the dreadful silence.
As the year slowly comes to an end and I take time to reflect in retrospect, I like to take inventory of the lessons and blessings gained. Here are some of the many lessons and blessings of my year.
1) Progress is not result. It is the micro-steps that lead to the bigger picture. Sometimes we don’t see it, sometimes we do. I have learned to trust the process.
2) It’s okay to have a change of mind. I can be reliable but won’t be held back because of impulsive commitments. I’m often left to deal with the consequences of forcing myself to fulfil such commitments. If I feel the need to change my mind on something, an invitation, opinion, I do it. The lesson for me is to process before speaking and learn to say “no” while being sensitive to other people’s needs.
3) Do it afraid. For years, I have always dreamed of holding space for others to share their stories as I share mine. This year, the same idea I have been putting away resurfaced and settled, refusing to the buried again. Two weeks ago, I had the most memorable 34th birthday, hosting kindred spirits for a Poetry and Tea evening. I did it afraid, and here’s to more to come.
4) Creativity is the purest act of worship. By honouring my call, I have felt the closest to my higher self and purpose which is to serve. I also know that validations don’t always come. But the work always finds its way to the one(s) it was created for.
5) You can grieve a thing and still be grateful it ended. Like old habits and relationships, it’s okay to outgrow them. I’m learning to settle well in this space of “it is gone” and make space for the new.
6) Comparison. It may seem casual, but practising this is hard. You don’t even know when you fall into that pit of thinking your journey is supposed to be paced as another. I’m learning to see myself only in the light God has created me and sees me. It doesn’t matter how long I’ve waited, my time is mine alone and the best time.
7) Peace is the new rich. If you have it you have everything. And it is possible to live a peaceful life, despite the hurdles and chaos of life. Spending so much time with myself and creating healthy boundaries has helped me stay sane this year. The simpler my life has become, the closer I feel to myself.
8) Evolving. I am learning to only think of the highest good for my life. To stop talking down on myself and work. It’s a lot of mental work to do, but I now allow myself to not only dream but dare to fly. I’m also learning that even if I made a custom box to put me in, I’ll always be too free, too wild to fit in. So here’s to more self discovery.
9) Gratitude. A lot has happened in the world and I’m one of the lucky ones still here. I thank God for his grace. I got published this year, and my book has gotten good reviews (I should brag about it more). I’ve had people message me to thank me for writing TDOS; it just makes my heart full. I am creating the family I always wanted to have, and I’m getting to know this woman on a deeper level. God too. I have also been inspired by women walking in their purpose, and it just gives me hope that I, too, can do it.
10) Don’t buy me flowers. I’ve tried not to say this, but I’m also tired of feeling sad when I see pretty flowers hanging from the vase a week after they’re brought in, dead, and I have to trash them. Please buy me a plant, book, give me money or support my work (read, share, subscribe) if you must give a gift. Thank you!
These last days of the year can be daunting to be with yourself. I hope you realise that you deserve the quiet, to just be and not worry about doing. I hope you sit with the silence and immerse yourself with this seasonal joy, extend it to yourself, loved ones and in the coming year. Thank you for staying with me despite the inconsistency. May the new year be good to you!